


Jaded Timaeus

by tyrannicalTestimony



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/F, Family, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-02-22
Packaged: 2017-12-03 06:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/695343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyrannicalTestimony/pseuds/tyrannicalTestimony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After all threats have been destroyed, the Alpha Kids land on the meteor along with the beta kids and the remaining trolls. After a few hours, however, Dirk Strider begins to feel a little cast out by the rest of the Strider-Lalonde family, especially by Rose. He turns to the sanest person on the meteor, troll or human, for some help: Kanaya Maryam.</p>
<p>Pesterlogs ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jaded Timaeus

**Author's Note:**

> I thought Dirk and Kanaya would be really good friends, so here's a nice pesterlog between the two!  
> Also, I started this before the last couple of updates. Don't mind that.  
> This is my first post on AO3. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Dirk sighed as he opened up pesterchum. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Or so they say. 

\--  timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  \--

TT: Sup   
GA: Hello Dirk   
GA: You Are Not The TT I Usually Expect  
GA: Although She Just Usually Talks To Me We Dont Use Computers Much   
TT: Oh yeah. Sorry. And I’m kinda just being lazy.   
TT: But anyway, I actually wanted to ask you something about the other TT.   
GA: Roxy Has Asked Me This Too And Yes We Are   
TT: Oh uh. No. Not that. I can clearly see that.   
TT: I meant about Rose’s deal, you know? I can sorta understand why Dave’s been avoiding me. My pre-Scratch self handed his ass to him more times than he can count. Well, that’s the impression I got from John, anyway.  
TT: And I guess that’s kinda okay. I’m not ready to face the teenage version of the man I called “Bro,” either. It’s hard for both of us to face the guy you looked up to, the guy who died just to help you.   
TT: But Rose? As far as I know, she never even met my pre-Scratch self. But she won’t even look me in the eye. And whenever I try to talk to her, she’s kinda distant and cold. So what’s that all about?  
GA: Im Sorry Dirk I Think I Am The Wrong Person To Answer Those Questions  
GA: Though Rose Did Talk To Me About You But I Don’t Think I Understand Human Relationships Well Enough To Know What She Meant  
TT: Fuck, well I don’t get human relationships either. Hardly grew up the typical way. Can you just tell me what she said?   
GA: Well As Far As I Know Humans Usually Grow Up With One Male and One Female Guardian Although This Is Clearly Not The Case With All Of You  
GA: Rose Told Me That She Always Wondered What Kind Of Man Left Her And Her Mother Behind Because She Assumed Thats What Happened   
TT: Yeah, I guess any kid would assume that. They probably never even talked about it.   
GA: No They Didn’t And She Was Always Sure That The Cause Of Her Mothers Drinking Problem And Her Own Problems With Her Mother Were Caused By That Man   
TT: Yeah, okay, this is the same fucking problem with Dave, then. That pre-Scratch guy wasn’t me! In fact, the pre-Scratch guy didn’t even know that he had a daughter.  
TT: Hell, he didn’t even know about Dave being his son.   
GA: Yes I Know Dirk Rose Told Me That She Knew Her Feelings About You Are Ridiculous   
GA: But She Has Always Directed Her Anger At A Nameless Faceless Man Who Made Her And Her Mothers Life Hard  
GA: And Now I Guess She Has A Face And Name And Im Sorry That Its Yours   
TT: …  
TT: You know what, Kanaya? Maybe I deserve Rose’s anger.   
TT: Because in a way, it does feel like I abandoned Roxy. She was always in love with me and I always pushed her away because I could never feel that way about her.   
TT: But she deserves it. More than anyone. To be loved, to have a family, to have kids. Roxy deserves the world. And I can’t give it to her. I wish I could.   
TT: So maybe I am that guy. I am Rose’s dad that abandoned her and Roxy. It’s me, I’m him.   
GA: Wow I Um  
GA: Dont Know What To Say   
GA: Except That You Shouldnt Have To Do Anything You Dont Want To   
GA: And Its Not You Really   
GA: Urgh Im Sorry Dirk I Dont Really Know What To Say   
TT: Kanaya, it’s fine.   
TT: You know, it’s funny. I raised myself and never needed nobody. But I always wished I had a family.   
TT: And the closest thing to a family I had was my goddamn Hollywood superstar brother who only left behind some movie posters and orange soda for me.  
TT: Now it’s like I got a wife and two kids or something. But the two kids are my bro and Roxy’s mom.   
TT: And both of them hate me. And I bet Roxy hates me too.   
GA: Dirk   
TT: I don’t even know where I’m fucking going with this. It’s just that I got a family now and…  
TT: They hate me. What a fucking surprise.   
GA: Nobody Hates You What A Silly Notion   
GA: Rose And Dave Just Need Some Time  
GA: I Cant Relate But Its Hard For Them To Get Used To You   
TT: What about Roxy? Rose loves Roxy. She was fucking crying tears of joy when she saw her.   
TT: Even my big bro likes her.  
GA: Because Rose Missed Her Mother So Very Much And I Guess Roxy Did Too   
TT: Yeah and Dave never missed me. Obviously.   
GA: No Thats Not True   
GA: While Composing His Human Raps He Would Mutter Things Under His Breath Such As   
GA: If Only Bro Was Here He Would Make Some Ill Beats Or   
GA: Bro Would Be Proud  
TT: …Really? I didn’t know Bro rapped too. Thought he was a movie superstar.   
GA: Well Perhaps In Your Universe But Our Dave Loves Slam Poetry   
GA: Perhaps That Is Something You Have In Common   
TT: You bet your ass. I was getting tired of having rap-offs with goddamn robots.  
TT: If Dave stops hating me, we could deff have some ill rap battles.   
GA: It Is Very Likely That If You Drop Some Sick Fires On Him He Will More Than Appreciate It   
GA: He Has Been Trying To Get The Rest Of Us Into Rapping With Him   
GA: I Have Gotten The Worst Of His Requests  
GA: Not That I Mind A Good Ancient Alternian Slam Poem   
TT: …Trolls rap too? Who knew?  
TT: Well anyway, you really think that’ll work?   
GA: Yes I Truly Believe So He Has Been Going Crazy With His Rapping  
GA: I Think You Are The Only One Who Can Save Us From It  
TT: Haha sure Maryam, if you think so. I’ll kick his ass.   
TT: But not literally. If he’s been getting his ass kicked as much as I’ve heard.   
GA: Yes Please Keep The Calcitration Of Bottoms To A Minimum   
GA: Unless It Is Our Enemys Of Course   
TT: Yeah, yeah. Wow. I’m actually kinda excited. And kinda nervous.   
GA: I Dont Think You Should Be Dave Is A Goofy Kid   
TT: Fuck, we’re all goofy kids.   
TT: Well except me. And Rose.   
GA: See Thats Where Youre Wrong Because Rose Can Be Pretty Goofy   
GA: I Mean She Writes Wizard Fanfiction And Has Been Reading Karkats Strange Novels   
GA: And She Teases Dave To No End And Me Too With Her Winking And Whatnot   
GA: And She Has Been Much More Fascinated With Wizards Through Roxys Influence   
TT: So it’s just me. Odd man out.   
GA: You Really Need To Stop Being So Pessimistic Mr Strider   
GA: For What Its Worth I Think Youre Pretty Goofy Too   
GA: I Mean Rap Is Pretty Goofy When You Really Think About It   
GA: And You Have A Passion For Puppets There Isnt Anything Goofier Than That   
TT: Okay, Maryam. I can’t tell if you’re trying to make me feel better or bashing on me.   
GA: No Sir No Bashing From Me Just Pure Truth   
TT: Haha, okay so I guess I’m kinda goofy too.   
GA: Yes You Are   
GA: But Actually You Remind Me Of Her In Alot Of Ways   
TT: Yeah?   
GA: Yes Your Typing Quirk Is Just Like Hers And The Pesterchum Initials Of Course   
GA: If It Wasn’t For Your Chumhandle And Text Color I Would Hardly Know The Difference   
TT: Oh yeah? Let’s see…  
TT: Is this better?   
GA: Oh My  
TT: Take me now, Miss Maryam.  
TT: I want to feel your luscious tresses entwine with my fingers.   
TT: Your moist, sleek tongue against my own…  
GA: Dirk Stop   
TT: Let us have hot, passionate, Sapphic xenophilic sex.  
TT: We can even have my daughter-mom join us.   
TT: I’ve seen you ogling her voluptuous body.   
GA: Dirk Please Stop This Instant  
GA: Wow You Have No Regard For The Incestuous Implications You Are Laying About   
GA: Why Are You Trying To Seduce Your Daughters Matesprit   
GA: And I Have Not Been Ogling Roxy’s Body You Are So Ridiculous   
TT: All right, all right. There.   
TT: You gotta admit it was a little funny.   
GA: Okay That Was Kind Of Funny  
GA: In A Very Disturbing Way  
GA: But Funny Nonetheless   
TT: There.   
TT: Also, I didn’t know you got seduced so easily. Just some purple text and sexy talk.   
TT: And what the hell would I know about incest? Didn’t have a family till now.   
GA: No But  
GA: Its Not Like She Would Say Those Things And  
GA: Urgh Never Mind   
TT: Yeah so if I’m Rose’s daddy, I better start acting like it, huh?   
TT: Do I have to give you the talk?   
GA: Talk What Talk   
TT: You know, the old “If you hurt my little girl, I’ll break your legs.”   
GA: Oh That Talk   
GA: Actually Dave Already Gave Me A Talk Like That He Said It Was His Duty As A Brother   
GA: But I Already Assured The Other Strider That I Do Not Require Threatening Messages From Family Members To Convince Me To Be A Good Matesprit And I Hope That Is Sufficient For You Too  
TT: Yeah, yeah, it is.   
TT: I think you two are really good for each other.   
GA: Oh Thank You For Saying So I Think We Are Good Together Too  
GA: Actually Roxy Told Us That Too I Think All Of Her Family Members Approve Of Us  
TT: Welp, you got the family blessings.   
TT: Time to put a ring on it.   
GA: :?  
GA: A Ring  
GA: Should I Get Her One Is This Some Human Custom After Obtaining Familial Approval  
TT: Nah, Maryam. Just messin’ with you.   
TT: How does that work, anyway?   
GA: How Does What Work   
TT: Well, it’s just that I never thought humans and trolls could never be in that sort of relationship.   
GA: Yes Well I Didnt Think So Either But Were Making It Work   
GA: We Still Dont Know If Troll And Human Biology Is Compatible   
TT: Whoa there, Kanaya! I don’t wanna hear all this talk about troll/human sex compatibility. Especially not ‘bout my daughter. You can keep that to yourself.   
GA: I Thought You Didnt Care About That   
TT: Yeah, you’re right Maryam. Who am I kidding?   
TT: Tell me all about your sexcapades with my daughter/Roxy’s mom-daughter.   
GA: Rose And I Have Not Engaged In Such Activities As Of Now And   
GA: ...  
GA: Can We Stop Talking About This Now I Am Blushing Furiously And Rose Is Beginning To Notice   
TT: Haha, all right. No more.  
TT: Hey Maryam. Can I just kinda say…  
TT: Thanks.   
GA: For What   
TT: For you know, listening to my rambling.   
TT: And talking me through my problems.   
GA: No Problem Dirk I Am A Rambler Myself  
GA: Its Basically What I live For  
TT: Yeah? You’re the ideal moirail, I guess. From what I gather about that word’s meaning.   
GA: Yes Ive Been Told That  
GA: And That Im The Village Two Wheeled Device When It Comes To Auspisticing   
GA: Which Is Rude But Not Entirely Inaccurate I Guess  
TT: Hahaha oh man. You guys use that expression for auspisticing too?   
TT: And well, I guess you can totally auspistice between me and Rose.   
GA: Oh My  
GA: Thats Something Like Taboo I Think   
GA: Since Rose And I Are Already In The Flushed Quadrant   
GA: But Really You And Rose Dont Need That And Are Not A Danger To Each Other   
GA: You Just Need Some Platonic Auspisticing I Guess   
TT: Oh yeah. Man, troll relationships sure are complicated.   
GA: Human Relationships Are Too   
GA: Karkat Says Humans Do Not Normally Have Same Sex Relationships   
GA: So Far Rose Is The Only One Who Is A Homosexual I Guess  
TT: Man that just sounds so awkward.   
TT: I mean, I guess I’m technically a “homosexual” too. But again, I’m more like you than the other kids. I didn’t grow up with something like that being an issue.   
GA: Yes I Agree It Sounds Very Awkward   
GA: Although Ive Been Pondering On The Subject And I Think That I Am Also A Homosexual  
GA: I Have Never Been Attracted To A Male Before In The Concupiscent Quadrants Before   
TT: Yep, Maryam. You’re a bonafide intergalactic space lesbian. I’m so glad you could come out to me.   
GA: Oh Rose Used Those Terms Before But I Wasnt Sure What She Meant About Coming Out  
GA: Its Declaring Youre A Homosexual   
TT: And proud.   
GA: And Proud   
GA: It Is Not Really Something You Should Feel Pride For One Way Or The Other   
GA: But Okay   
GA: And I Guess Thats At Least Something You And Rose Share  
GA: Since Most Humans Prefer The Opposite Sex  
TT: Wow. I’m so proud of my baby girl being just as gay as her dad. Like father, like daughter.   
TT: We should bond over our gayness.   
TT: Throw our own fucking gay pride parade with rainbows and shit.  
GA: Dirk Are You Angry  
TT: Nah. Just thinkin’. Maybe pre-Scratch me was also only into dudes?   
TT: And there’s just no way he would’ve been into pre-Scratch Roxy anyway.   
GA: I Suppose Not   
GA: Rose Will Come Into Terms With It  
GA: Even If She Didnt Have A Father And Her Mother Died   
GA: She Has You And Roxy Now  
TT: Yeah. I mean, we’re not a conventional family in any way.   
TT: But we’re all we got.   
TT: And my big bro too.   
TT: Or Dave, I mean.   
GA: Okay I Am Having A Private Moment Of Amusement Right Now   
GA: I Cannot Imagine Dave Being Anyones Big Brother   
TT: Yeah it looks like we’re like twins or some shit.   
TT: Or quadruplets.   
TT: Ectobiology and paradox space are fucked up.   
GA: Yes I Agree  
TT: Okay. So basically…I just gotta rap a bit with Dave.   
TT: And talk to Rose about books. And being gay.   
TT: And there’ll be no more Strider-Lalonde or Strider-Strider tension.  
GA: Yes Precisely  
GA: Everything Will Be Fine  
TT: All right, all right.   
TT: But you’ll back me up, right Maryam?   
GA: Yes Of Course   
GA: And You Can Come To Me For A Feelings Jam Anytime   
GA: Or Wait That Was A Bit Forward Wasnt It  
GA: I Meant That Platonically   
TT: What.   
TT: Oh you mean the whole moiraillegiance thing.   
TT: I mean…we just don’t really have an equivalence for that.   
TT: But I’m up for being moirails with you, or whatever.   
GA: Oh No I Meant It Platonically Because   
GA: Moiraillegiance Is More About Pacifying A Dangerous Partner   
GA: And You Are Not A Danger As Far As I Know  
GA: But I Do Enjoy Speaking To You And Working Through Your Problems  
GA: Its Like Talking To A Funnier Male Rose Who Raps And Plays With Swords  
GA: But Do Not Do The Thing Where You Change Your Text Again Please   
TT: Haha, can do. But thanks, Kanaya.   
TT: I like talking to you too. It’s like talking to…someone who cares.   
GA: Everyone Cares About You Dirk   
GA: I Think You Just Needed A Troll Perspective On Things   
TT: Yeah, you’re right. And I obviously couldn’t get any help from my sweaty sprite. Or that short nubby-horned, loud one. Or the one who eats chalk. Or the juggalo.   
TT: Yep, you were the only option. And the best one.   
GA: Thank You  
GA: Im Glad My Meddling Has Been Helpful To Someone   
TT: I think I’m gonna take a nap soon.   
TT: But after that, I’m gonna talk to Dave and Rose.   
GA: Ill Be There Too If You Need   
TT: That’d be nice.   
TT: I’ll see ya then.   
GA: I Look Forward To It  
GA: Bye   


\--  timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  \--

Kanaya closed the window and shut off her computer. She turned to face her matesprit, who was reading a book as usual. She gave her a small smile, which the other girl returned.


End file.
